Fic: It's tonight your city sleeps

[rikke_leonhart]

*

It’s very early morning when Sho finally makes it to the hospital.

He’s not sure whether or not he appreciates being told while still on the legal side of midnight, but he’s leaning towards resenting it. He was told when there was absolutely nothing he could do besides go on with his work, and he’s been so tense for the last few hours that he feels sore in every single muscle and he feels more drained than what his work would require of him. Every minute ticking by was a minute he could’ve spent standing silent and vigilant outside Ohno’s hospital room, but instead he’s been held up and forced to stay still when all he wanted was to be in motion across to the other side of Tokyo.

When he gets there, they’re all already there, and he’s torn, so so torn, because he’s so grateful they’ve  all been there for hours, but his throat is aching with how much he’s wanted to be here as well, and he has no idea what this all is going to mean to them.

He’s well aware of how he looks, but he just doesn’t care. “What are we going to do?”

That is how it comes out, but what he means is; damage control, who’s going to do the press conference, who’s going to say what, who’ll stay here when I can’t, let’s make schedules and rotate, anything, let’s do something so I don’t feel so damn helpless…

Too late, he sees Nino tense from his seat beside Jun, and Jun is already so easy to anger when someone in his world is hurting –

“What the fuck do you think we’re going to do?”

And –

Sho wants to bite back, he wants to grab Jun by the shoulders and shake him until he makes sense again, until Jun sees what Sho really means, but Jun is often blind in his hurt and he’s still, god, he’s still just their Jun when everything else is stripped away. It doesn’t make the hurt lessen, but he’s distracted enough when Aiba’s hitching breath reaches through the haze.

He takes a deep breath, works his jaw and then lets out all the tension he can with the air that leaves his lips. He still feels wound up, ready to snap at the slightest pressure.

Nino glances at him and Sho can’t bear to look at him in that moment, so he turns away and folds his arms. He’s not surprised, not even a little bit, when Nino’s small fingers touch the inside of his wrist, gauging carefully, taking his temperature.

Ohno’s mother is crying and it’s breaking his heart. He’s not sure he can stitch it together after this.

“We’re going to wait for Leader to wake up. That’s what we’re going to do,” Nino says, looking at him but not talking directly to him, more to them all, to everyone whom it may concern, for everyone whose worlds have just been tilted and shaken, to everyone who loves Ohno Satoshi.

Sho wants to resent his optimism, but he knows it’s forced and not just for Nino himself.

Sho wishes he had as much faith in himself as Ohno has. He almost loses it when they finally get to see Ohno, but Nino looks green and he’s crying, fuck, Sho knows Nino will never recover completely from this, not fully, if – if – fuck, it’s not even supposed to be a possibility, because Sho won’t let him, but he wishes he knew how to make everything better, but he can’t, it’s up to Ohno. Nino is see-through, pale with hurt and nausea, but Sho isn’t fast enough in getting to him, so it’s a mother’s hands that settle on him, pulls him back to the ground again.

Sho really wants someone to hold on to him.

But then he has to leave before them all and bitterness clouds his vision for long moments, the unfairness of it all is choking him up and knotting his stomach tightly. He’s so tense and he’s already so exhausted, and he can’t even begin to imagine how he’ll get through this day of work when he hasn’t slept a wink – and it’s not just that he hasn’t slept, but also knowing that even if he had been able to go home and sleep, he wouldn’t even be able to find any kind of rest.

He wants for someone to shake him awake, tell him he has overslept and that the worst thing he can expect from that is a telling off, but it’s not like that, and Sho finds himself in a living, waking nightmare, and he doesn’t know if there’s an end to the horizon.

The entire day is slow – everything he usually does, but he feels sluggish, as if everything is somehow put in slow motion and he wants it all to speed up so he can go back, but he wants it to stay slow so he doesn’t have to face it all. He has to, though, and if his thoughts are straying all day, it’s because he knows he has to go back there to the vacuum of time Ohno’s silence is causing.

Late, he hears that Nino drew the shortest straw and has to do the press conference – Sho had thought it might have to be him, but he’s so selfishly relieved that he doesn’t have to, because he’s not sure he could force and bend his tongue to the right shape of words that say nothing about the gravity of the situation as it really is. And that’s the thing, really, because no one really knows how wrong everything is now. He knows that Aiba,  and maybe even Nino to some degree as well, are in some kind of denial about the entire situation, because they don’t want it to be true, but Sho is annoyingly realistic when no one else is; he has to. They have to face the reality of the possibility of Ohno not waking up.

His heart constricts painfully, because there simply won’t be a future without Ohno, except that there has to be, even though Sho doesn’t want any part of it. What it means to them all, he can’t think about it, but he has to, because no one else will besides perhaps Jun, but Jun is so stunted and hurt that Sho knows he’s not rational.

He hates how he’s the one they have to rely on, that he is the one expected to make thoughts make sense, and he misses  the backup system that normally supports him wordlessly, a legion of four. It’s not there now no matter how determinedly he grabs for it, and he’ll have to make do with the strength Ohno would’ve wanted him to muster and show in the face of adversity. Ohno would’ve done it for him, for them, no matter how little Ohno would want to do it. He’d push through.

Sho breathes. When he has the opportunity, he’ll tell Ohno how much he admires him and his silent strength. There will be opportunity for it, he’s sure of it.

He has to be.

*

He gets back home so late he’s not sure what the time is anymore. It’s dark and he’s exhausted, and he falls face down on his bed and crashes completely. His dreams are erratic and wild and he doesn’t quite know what to think when he wakes four hours later. He’s confused and still so tired, and he barely manages to shower without falling over. Did yesterday happen, did everyone fall delirious and dream the same thing?

It’s so early, the light orange streaks are hardly chasing away the dark on the sky, but he hates that he slept so long, he hadn’t meant to, because he wants to go back to the hospital before he goes to work, and if he makes haste, he’ll still have the chance to make it, to stay for more than a stolen hour.

He’s out the door and completely unsurprised to find his manager waiting for him outside with the largest cup of coffee he’s ever seen, and he looks just as tired as Sho feels.

“Of course we’re going,” his manager says and clears his throat when it comes out all gritty. “Ninomiya has slept there overnight and Matsumoto just got there earlier. Aiba is home, asleep. This is the schedule for the rest of your day.”
Sho takes the papers from where his manager vaguely directed.

His breath hitches sharply and he tries to keep his temper down. He exhales. “Do they honestly expect me to be in all these interviews and be happy and enthusiastic and optimistic? Are they insane?”

“Unfortunately, time stops for no one,” his manager says drily, but he’s just stating fact and it’s not his fault at all, so Sho won’t explode even if it’s a close call. When he unfolds his fists, his palms are decorated with crescent shapes. “Can you do this?”

No.

He wants to say the word, selfish and unkind to anyone but himself, but he can’t make it leave his lips, it’s too egotistical and he can’t make the burden heavier for them all when their shoulders are straining under the weight as it is.

“I’ll be fine,” he says and almost sounds convincing to his own ears. Almost, but not quite making it. It’s going to be a long day. He’s even more convinced of this when his manager informs him that the man putting Ohno where he is now, is in fact also in the hospital, comatose.

He gets two cups of coffee before he goes to Ohno’s room.

It’s too early to even be moving, but the moment he sees Jun’s tense form, still and half-slumbering, sitting in the hallway just outside of Ohno’s room, the hairs on the back of Sho’s neck stand on end, and he just knows that this can’t possibly end well. It’s not that Sho wants to fight with Jun, but their prickly tempers are itching for some kind of relief, and he’s not sure he can keep himself in check now that there are no cameras to school his expressions and words for.

“Matsumoto,” he says, because he can’t use any other name and not lace it with things better left unsaid. He offers one of the coffee cups to Jun, and Jun opens his eyes, visibly squares his shoulders. “Nino is in there?”

Jun looks at him but doesn’t say anything. He nods.

“I’m sorry,” Sho says but he’s not entirely sure Jun hears the apology for what it is, and it frustrates him much more than he’d thought it would. He misses the rational, level-headed Jun he’s working with all year, the Jun that fled the moment he got the call.

Jun’s jaw tenses and he inclines his head briefly. 

Sho briefly debates whether or not it’s a good idea to tell Jun about the driver, and he feels somewhat sickly justified in telling Jun, even if he’s the one who’ll deal with the aftermath of Jun’s temper. He sits down a seat away from Jun for a reason.

“I was told that the guy who drove the car,” Sho says slowly and he glances at Jun to gauge his reaction. “He’s here.”

Jun stiffens, eyes widening for a moment before they narrow, and he shoots up from the seat so quick that Sho honestly isn’t sure how he reacts that fast. All he knows is that he’s holding Jun back by his shoulders, tightening his grip even as Jun tries to break free.

“Jun, Jun, calm down, this isn’t helping anyone, don’t do this,” he tries to say it as calmly as possibly, he has a feeling he’s not being convincing, because Jun doubles his efforts, and he’s dark and furious.

“Let go,” Jun orders, his voice just a tad too loud to be normal, and then the door to Ohno’s room is opening, and Nino emerges, bleary and exhausted.

“Let me go,” Jun says again, and this time he has schooled his voice, and Sho tightens his grip on reflex and pushes Jun backwards, just a bit.

“Calm down,” he says, slow and measured, and he knows it’s in vain, but has to try, he can’t let this happen –

Jun snarls at him, blazing and trembling with barely restricted anger, “Calm down? Calm down? You calm down, you can’t be serious, you have to be fucking kidding me, you can’t seriously mean that I should calm down when that stupid fuck of a sorry excuse of a human being is right here – ”

“Matsumoto,” he cuts Jun off, because he has to stop this before they say even worse things. He knows that Jun isn’t kidding, he knows that Jun will kill that man if he lets go now, and it won’t help Ohno at all. “This is not the place and it’s not your call to judge –”

During all this, Nino tells them to shut up, and Sho is relieved for Nino taking charge, even if it’s short-lived. Jun directs his anger at Nino instead, and that definitely won’t do, because it was Sho who unleashed it, so he’ll have to rein it back again. Jun trashes in his hold once more and Sho is so tired. He lets go.

“Fuck you, Nino,” Jun says with venom and Sho tries to remind himself to breathe. “And if any of you cared at all, you wouldn’t let that man get away with this!”

Sho’s brain-to-mouth filter switches off. “And putting a scalpel through his head won’t make you feel any better, fuck, use your brain for once. Dammit.”

It’s the entirely wrong thing to say, and he knows it, he wishes he could take the words back as soon as they are out from between his lips, but he can’t, and Jun is already so stung and so brittle, and after countless moments of horribly loud silence, he turns and disappears down the hallway, fortunately in the complete opposite direction of where he knows the driver is. He slumps down in the seat, and Nino sits down next to him, silent for a long moment.

“You should go sit with him,” Nino says then. “Fuck, I’m tired. And I need a shower. I won’t be back until tomorrow, I think. I hate that I have to sleep, but I need it and I’m no use to him if I put myself in here as well. Take care of him until Aiba-chan gets here, okay?”

It’s as much of a direct order that he’s going to get, and the weight on his chest eases a little. Trust Nino to know what he needs, even if it’s not entirely the need for guidance.

He nods but only goes in when Nino is long gone, and he knows that Nino trusts him to actually go in and not flee, even if the thought is somehow both tempting and horrible in its very suggestion.

Ohno’s face is slack and still bearing the evidence of a rough fall, his chin bearing the shadows of a stubble, and Sho inexplicably just wants to take care of him, shave the stubble off and pretend that time isn’t going anywhere, that time stops until Ohno wakes up again. He will, he’ll get Aiba to bring a shaver later. He chuckles to himself, but it comes out watery as he realizes how absurd his thoughts are now. He sits down by Ohno’s bedside, fingers scrambling to find Ohno’s unresponsive right hand, and he squeezes, mindful of the tender skin and broken bones. Ohno’s hand is warm and Sho finds comfort from that warmth.

“How do you do it?” He asks and reaches up to brush Ohno’s hair away from where it falls over his ear. “You’re the best of us,” he confesses quietly. He might never have spoken truer words, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be that honest ever again, but right in this moment, it’s all he can do for Ohno.

He only leaves when Ohno’s manager quietly steps into the room and tells him he’s needed elsewhere. At work. He knows, but he doesn’t want to leave. He does it anyway.

For Ohno.

*

He gets the phone call during a break in filming, and once again Sho hates how he’s told at inopportune moments, because seriously? He just wants to speed to the hospital and be there for Ohno, who has beaten the odds and pessimistic doctors and is awake and alive, but he’s filming, he has commitments, and he has to fulfil his job to the best of his ability, so he stays. And actually, he has no time at all, no matter how much he wants to protest until he’s blue in the face, because he has a façade to uphold, and his schedule has been jam-packed for years now, he knows how it works and how it doesn’t – he can’t just leave when he wants to.

However much he wants to.

But he gets there the day after, late and finally, exhausted but running on some kind of feverish adrenaline; he feels sluggish and absent, but still entirely awake, and he’s off for a long stretch of hours now, and he should sleep, but seeing Ohno awake will revitalize him more than any amount of rest will give him. He’s disappointed though, because Ohno is asleep when he gets there, Aiba sitting silent by his bedside. The disappointment is exceedingly short-lived, in contrast the guilt that sets in is heavy and unsettling, but the relief at seeing Ohno asleep, and knowing that he’ll actually wake up this time is incredibly liberating.

For the first time in days, it feels like he can actually breathe instead of gasping for air beneath water.

“He’s a bit out of it,” Aiba says, but his voice is so fond and Sho has missed hearing it. “But Sho-chan,” Aiba pauses. “It’s sad.”

Sho sighs and goes to the window and looks out into the night. He hasn’t wanted to think about it, but in the moments in cars between here and there, he’s had to, and he remembers what Ohno has forgotten. The irony is biting.

He turns his head slightly and looks at Ohno over his shoulder. Almost four days after the accident, Ohno’s skin is healing but his face is still bearing the evidence of being smashed to the concrete even if the colours aren’t as stark anymore. The damage is enough as it is, but Sho is still surprised that Ohno got away with no broken bones in his head. It’s a small comfort in this entire horrible affair. But broken bones and bruised skin will heal, and Sho doesn’t know if Ohno’s mind will, if he’ll recover the four days worth of memories that this drunk driver has taken from him. It’s not fair that on top of everything else Ohno has to go through to recuperate from this, he also has to wonder what he did for four entire days.

Days he lived through and can’t remember.

Sho can’t begin to imagine how Ohno must feel.

“It is,” he agrees eventually. “We’ll just have to tell him everything we know of what he did and when.”

“Nino is on it,” Aiba informs him on an exhale. “I think he’s intending on making some kind of scrap book for him. He’s making a shitload of calls to everyone who spent time with Leader those days.”

Sho can’t really help the way his lips curl into a smile. “He’s so good.”

Aiba reaches out and touches two fingers to Ohno’s jaw. The stubble is almost non-existent.

“You remembered,” Sho still smiles.

“Of course I did,” Aiba murmurs and then grins up at Sho. “He recognized me.”

“He’ll always know us, it’ll take more than a drunken idiot to knock us out of his head.”

It seems like it’s the right thing to say, because Aiba’s smile is truer than it’s been for days now, and it’s like the sun is coming out of its hiding behind clouds. When it falters, however, Sho feels slightly off kilter. He asks, even though he knows. “What?”

“Nino said that,” Aiba says slowly, “you and Matsujun are –”

“I don’t know what to say. I fucked up,” Sho cuts in, and he really doesn’t want to think about that either, but he has to, because both he and Jun have bridges to mend. “He was out of line, but so was I. We’ll figure it out.”

“You better,” Aiba says, rarely insistent. “I know we’re all just strung out, but Nino says you’re idiots.”

“He would,” Sho agrees. “And we are. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Aiba says and reaches for Sho, and Sho breathes slowly and then goes to him. “We’ll make it.”

Aiba voice is soft and firm and so utterly sure that Sho can’t help but believe it. And then Ohno sighs softly and turns his head towards their voices, and Sho feels his throat clogging up.

“Satoshi-kun,” he breathes and in that instant he realizes how much he’s needed to see Ohno move on his own accord. He’s not sure he’s believed it until now that it was finally over, these tense hours of intense worry and horrifying uncertainty. He’s maybe slightly hysterical, but that’s probably the very last thing Ohno needs right now, so he reins it in the best he can, even though he’s pretty sure that no matter how much Ohno is out of it, he’ll know anyway. “It’s so good to see you awake.”

Ohno’s smile is breathtaking and Sho can’t deny him anything, least of all the hug Ohno wants from him, and he goes willingly without indecision, it’s out of the question.

“It’s really good to have you back,” he says. “I’ll stay here until morning, just get some more sleep so you can come back to us.”

Around two in the morning, Aiba is dozing while Sho can’t get enough of looking at Ohno. It’s so different from when Ohno was comatose – Sho is aware that Ohno’s mind is just sleeping this time and not away somewhere they can’t follow him. But all this time, all Sho can think is how anyone would be so stupid to get behind the wheel of a car, drunk out of their mind, when innocent people like Ohno get hurt in the process.

If Sho thinks too much about it, he feels the simmering anger that he’s trying to keep Jun from being consumed by, but it’s an act of balance, and Sho really wants to hurt someone for putting Ohno where he is now. He knows that police men are stationed outside of the driver’s room for when he wakes up, and he’ll be under arrest the second he opens his eyes. Sho also has a suspicion that they’re stationed there in case any of them (Jun or Sho himself, in this case) would try any funny business. Sho still thinks the man deserves a scalpel through his head, but he can’t let Jun do it even if the police men would let him through.

Sho determinedly doesn’t think too much about it.

But he still wonders if, damn the repercussions, if Jun would actually have the spine to go ahead. If even for Ohno, Jun couldn’t not kill that man. It’s so scary how much Jun loves them all, and it’s a safety blanket, warm and comfortable, cushioning, and so positively terrifying.

It makes him slightly nauseous at times like these where Sho can’t quite reconcile this frightening Jun with the scrawny, skinny, insecure kid he’s known for more than half his life now.

He looks from Aiba to Ohno, sees two of his favourite people in the entire world, and he feels a tired smile stretch across his face. He presses a hand to Aiba’s shoulder, shakes him a bit to rouse him completely, and Aiba looks blearily around for a moment. His gaze is instantly on Ohno, and Sho’s smile holds. “You have filming at midday,” Sho says softly. “You should get back and get some proper sleep. Our collective schedules would implode from the mismatched and conflicting hours if you collapse; you haven’t slept in days, and we really don’t need more of us in here.”

“Like you’re the shining example of sleeping regular hours,” Aiba returns but gets to his feet anyway, stretching as he stands. He leans over Ohno, presses his fingertips to Ohno’s knuckles and then turns for the door. “Take care of him until then. I’ll be back later, but I think Nino will be here first, though. I think Matsujun has work until late.”

“Sleep well,” Sho calls after him as he goes and then it’s just the sound of Ohno’s quiet breathing, and Sho takes the seat Aiba left available by the bed. He looks at Ohno’s tranquil, bruised face. He knows he’ll have to tell Ohno about what has happened between the four of them while Ohno was out, but he’s not looking forward to it, not one inch, however, after everything they’ve been through now, facing Ohno is the easiest thing in the world. Ohno deserves their honesty more than anything else, even if it means admitting to falling apart under the pressure Ohno normally helps them carry so effortlessly.

How he does it will probably continue to baffle Sho for so many years to come, but Sho isn’t entirely sure he wants to solve the mystery at all. He’ll observe and let Ohno have his secrets – Sho will be content to watch him breathe, will never take his presence for granted ever again. He’ll never take any of them for granted anymore. Maybe there’s a lesson somewhere in this to take away and learn from, no matter how painful it is and what it has cost him and them.

He still feels like a failure, and he knows he’ll keep it with him for a long time to come. He and Jun both have failed in being the reasonable and the level-headed, and they both just completely lost it. He knows that Ohno will know, but he hopes it’ll take time for Ohno to piece it together. It’s not what he needs right now.

It’s not what any of them need right now. For now, they just need Ohno to get better, to stand and to exist with them again so their world can right itself. The guilt notwithstanding, Sho will do anything for it to happen.

And still Ohno sleeps, but it’s just sleep now. He’s right there, close enough to touch and to realize he’s not an apparition meant to tease and taunt and turn their dreams into nightmares. “Sleep well.”

*
Aiba

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